Allowing... what

Contentment is like happiness...a sort of a by product of what someone does in their life rather than what is done to them. I know I am supposedly in control of it... ha ha ha is my reply.

It's my annual evaluation of my life...


Job - like what I do and hate where I do it.

Kids - love them, would die for them but want to run away some days and hold them tight others (probably normal)

Home - Never in control of all the STUFF.. constantly picking up and putting things back...constantly worry about money, someone has to do something...

I find myself wondering why I can't say things I should be able to .. and why we have the same conversations. I know he is not completely happy. And I know I am not either. And I have no idea what that means or what we need to do about it. When angry saying "maybe I should leave" even in the heat of a moment, says a lot about real thoughts and feelings. Leaving should not even be in either of our heads and I feel it is in both of them right now. It's like we are not on the same team. I have no idea where he wants to be in five years... or even in two for that matter. We don't have a goal, so we are not working together...

I am maintaining... or trying to. I need to play more and my adult stuff is in the way... letting the adult stuff go is not an option because part of being an adult is dealing with it. Someone has to pay the bills, fle papers, contact teachers and karate about dates, chase the insurance company, set doctor's appointments, do laundry,unload the dishwasher, play with the kids (last.. pretty sad).....

Today I mostly slept. Needed it ...yet found that when I woke I was disappointed that I was in the same place I feel asleep. What is that?

And being tired does not mean I can cop out. I have two boys who depend on me... to be the adult when I am supposed to. And so.....

I want more bliss, more cherished times, more....something else.